I am not thankful for the following things

Thanksgiving is over and it is time to complain.

Complaint the First: There is no Major League Baseball at this time

Unacceptable.

Complaint the Second: The chicken fingers under the bleachers at Progressive Field are way better than the other chicken fingers at Progressive Field

Make me walk all the way around the park for the real deal grumble how dare you I understand that ballpark classics is right behind my section but those chicken fingers are just good the chicken fingers under the bleachers are great and so one wonders why all of the chicken fingers are not those chicken fingers, those exceptional chicken fingers, by far the greatest and best chicken fingers at Progressive Field just a joke an absolute joke put the chicken fingers at every stand let Dante’s Inferno and Momocho know that they are now purveyors of processed chicken chunks and processed chicken chunks only and very specifically the ones that are currently sold underneath the bleachers in conclusion bring back Pierre’s on the home run porch.

Complaint the Third: Josh Naylor is not the President of the United States

This feels like an obvious miss on the part of society. I think we make more progress as a people if the most powerful man in the world screams “You’re my little [redacted] son” during debates, summits, and especially States of the Union. I understand that his role as Leader of the Free World might impact his batting average, but this is a small price to pay for ascending into a universe where each and every American is fed all of the smoke.

Complaint the Fifth: Mustard never texts me back

That’s cold, man.

Complaint the Sixth: Lonnie Chisenhall’s calves

This is evergreen, just keep moving along.

Complaint the Seventh: Complaint the Fourth is on strike

We tried to reach an agreement with the fourth complaint. Unfortunately, it demanded $38 per word to be included within this Sunday Reflection. While we submitted a figure that we deemed to be perfectly reasonable for its inclusion within this article we could not come to a mutually-agreeable figure. It is not our usual practice to allow a section of an article to hold out beyond the publication of the article, but we are confident that an agreement will be reached and the fourth complaint will join this article for the playoff run.

Complaint the Eighth: We haven’t had a good squirrel invasion at Progressive Field in Quite Some Time

Used to be these tail-twitching nerds would scamper all over the diamond. I’m not saying that a squirrel bothering a player is more entertaining than the game of baseball, but it adds a nice mix of excitement to the ballpark. Consider the squirrels reprimanded for their lack of pluck.

Please add your complaints at length below.